By Angelina Gamba, poem by Ron Jackson
Alzheimer’s disease takes a toll on the entire family and broader community, As a caregiver, it is normal to struggle with a variety of feelings throughout the caregiving process. Frustration, guilt, sadness, anger, denial and grief are amongst the most common feelings experienced during this difficult journey. For some, expressing their feelings through poetry can be therapeutic and serve as a connection to others facing the same emotions.
Ron Jackson was a caregiver for his wife, Katherine (or Kathy, as she liked to be called). Kathy was diagnosed with vascular dementia and Alzheimer’s in 2018 from an MRI and spinal tap.
“The first few years weren’t too bad,” Jackson said. “She was able to be on her own and do things for herself.”
After a few years however, he began to notice some regressive behaviors and soon had to help her with daily tasks. Eventually, it got to the point where Kathy struggled to stand in the shower, so he had a shower stool put in to help.
“I didn’t want to put her in a nursing home or memory care unit unless I absolutely had to. Luckily, I was able to keep going,” said Jackson.
Despite the difficulties that Jackson faced, he was determined to not let dementia stand in their way.
“I kept things as normal as I could. That was my goal, to make it as good as she could have,” he said.
So that’s what he did. The couple continued to spend time with friends, go for walks around the neighborhood, go on cruises, and even went on motorcycle rides.
“Until June, she was riding on a motorcycle with me. She sat back there and would smile and wave at people. For some reason that made her happy, she enjoyed it. Of course, we’d been riding motorcycles since we were dating,” said Jackson.
Kathy continued to do the things she loved until the very end.
“She loved to dance, and to be honest with you, I’m not a very good dancer,” he said.
Any time a song would come on, she’d beckon him to get up and dance. They would frequently be the only two on the dance floor. One of the last events they attended together was a wedding a few weeks before she passed. The couple still danced.
“I pretty much had to hold her up while we danced. She really couldn’t stand too much, but she was out there with me.”
After they returned home from a cruise to celebrate their 53rd anniversary, Ron felt a surge of inspiration and began to write a poem that described how he felt.
“I’m a mechanical engineer. I can write a technical report, I did failure analysis, but it was unusual for me to write something like this,” Jackson explained. “I was just sitting there on a Saturday night and some of this stuff started coming to me. So, I got a notebook and a pen, and I started writing everything down. It just kind of flowed out of me.”
Jackson says that he found the process helpful. “It put things into perspective.”
Sadly, Kathy passed away in October 2023.
To help manage his grief, Ron found a support group helpful. He even passed his poem out to the support group in December, which made him realize how many people it resonated with. He also recommends surrounding yourself with loved ones.
“Keep busy, keep with your friends, keep with family if you have any relatives around. I’ve got a lot of close friends, so I’ve had people who have taken me in for the holidays and stuff like that,” Jackson said.
He says that keeping a journal while he was a caregiver helped him as he wrote down what happened day to day. He recounted a funny moment that he found in the diary, a time when Kathy accidentally put on his pants instead of hers (which were noticeably too large as she was 5 ‘2 and just over 100 lbs. and Ron is about 6’ and close to 190 lbs.). Small moments like this can become the most cherished memories after your loved one is gone.
If you or a loved one needs help, call the Alzheimer’s Association 24/7 Helpline at 800.272.3900 or visit alz.org.
Poem by Ron Jackson
Have you ever loved someone
Who’s dying a little at a time?
She no longer knows you.
You memorize a smile, a laugh, a turn of the head
Memories fade – some only last moments.
Each moment she doesn’t remember
Tears another strip from your heart
But you know that you’ll love her forever
You try to remind her of your love
But she can’t hold onto those memories.
As time goes by all you can do is hope.
These emotions take strength to survive.
She forgets important events,
Not because she loves you less
But because those memories are gone.
You remember and know you’ll love her forever.
When she no longer knows you’re married
But still remembers you’re her sweetheart
All is not lost.
You just have to cherish the time you have together.
Lifetimes are forgotten in days.
But your memories have to last you a lifetime
Even though the end is written,
You’ll remember and will love her forever.
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